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Monthly Archives: May 2019

Imperfection

I recently read Dr. Brené Brown’s book, “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.”  Her TED talk on “Vulnerability” is one of the top five most viewed TED talks in the world.  She has spent her life researching shame and vulnerability.  Through her research, she discovered a group of people she refers to as “Wholehearted.” As a self-professed perfectionist, the research shattered her world and led to a breakdown as she realized the havoc of perfectionism in her own life.

Brené’s thoughts on Perfectionism:

In the research there’s a significant difference between perfectionism and healthy striving or striving for excellence. Perfectionism is the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.

Perfectionism is also very different than self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: “I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect.” Healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think? Perfectionism is a hustle.

Last, perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds.   Brené Brown

When we strive for perfectionism, we are judging ourselves and admitting we are not good enough the way we are.  Perfectionism is the ego’s trickery. It manufactures a world where we feel in control but in actuality, it robs us by taking courage, compassion and connectiveness away.  Perfectionism provides rules for judging not only ourselves but others, right down to the type of towels used.  It provides justification for us to judge, complain, and be right down mean and vindictive; because our rules were not followed.  It is armor for keeping us in ego’s control.  Her research shows that perfectionism can lead to suffocating those close to you.

Her breakdown was fostered in part by her realization that her perfectionism was creating stress, anxiety, depression, and not how she wanted to live her life.  She called it a mid-life unraveling.  She longed for the joy and peace she researched in whole-hearted people.  She realized that her perfectionism was holding her back.  She needed to do what her book is sub-titled, “Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.”  She turned her breakdown around with the help of a therapist to a Spiritual Awakening.  In her book, she discusses the many ways she brought joy into her life but the most impactful way was adding spiritual practices in her life and giving control of her life to God instead of her ego.  She accepted the challenges of using her gifts to help others even more by being courageous and living out of her comfort zone as exemplified by her new Netflix special, “Call to Courage.”   She used her intuition (how the Holy Spirit talks to us) to guide her life instead of arguing against it.  She learned to give compassion, not only to others, but most importantly to herself.

Brené refers to herself as a recovering perfectionist and is now living a whole-hearted life exemplified by courage, compassion, and connection. She’s learning how to be good enough instead of perfect.  As Brené states,

“It makes sense to me that the gifts of imperfection are Courage. Compassion, and Connection because when I think back to my life before this work, I remember being judgmental, fearful, and alone. Human perfection can never be reached; so, when we strive for perfectionism, anxiety will be felt in our bodies.  Instead of trying to reach the elusive perfect state, let’s aim for whole heartedness.”

Thank you, Brené for your courage to be vulnerable and to share your personal struggles and to call us to live whole-heartedly with joy in our hearts.

Staying in Touch: Barbara Hirsh can be reached at info@LiveKinder.com  I love hearing your kindness stories.  Please sign-up for almost weekly kindness message at www.LiveKinder.com or follow LiveKinder on Facebook! 

Different Reactions

My husband and I are having quite an adventure.  We were chosen to drive a new Winnebago RV to Alaska. It was not on our bucket list but when we were given the opportunity, we were very excited to say, “Yes!”  In this case, it is about the journey AND the destination.

What has been amazing are the different reactions we received from different people when we told them our plans.  Most people saw it as the adventure it is and embraced our joy whether it was something they would enjoy doing.   One of my friends, who lives in Alaska in the summer, gave us wonderful information about possible routes and must do stops.  Then, there are those that exposed their fears through their voiced concerns, some of which I shared initially. These concerns ranged from:

Where are you going to stay?  – route and reservations made

Running out of gas – we have the latest issue of the “Alaska Milepost” with every gas station identified

Weather – out of our control

Cleanliness – we will be the first to stay overnight in the RV

Driving a big rig – my husband is great at towing and backing up a boat. He did great last summer when we rented a camper if you don’t count the time he nudged the camper parked behind us.  We took out the extra insurance to give us piece of mind.

Sitting too long – many hikes are planned

Being bored – I’m looking forward to being unplugged, books are packed as is my fully loaded kindle. I’m enjoying having time for meditating, writing and maybe needle crafting.  The scenery has been breath-taking.

I had expected the above concerns. However, there was one serious response that took me by surprise, “Oh, Barb, why are you acting so old? How could you turn into an old person?”  Getting old is not one of my fears, I have learned you need to embrace the seasons of your life to find joy.  Watching my parents age, I learned to do while you still can. This trip is quite an adventure and not for the faint-hearted.  Even though we met a couple that has done this trip fourteen times, I’m glad we are doing it now. There is no better way of feeling young at heart than having new experiences, sure beats watching TV.

We all have different perspectives based on our past and our personalities. We judge others based on our perspectives. It is so easy to project our fears onto others. So, thanks to the many that supported our adventure, especially those that have no desire to do it. So far, it has been as wonderful as you all imagine it would be.  I am very grateful.

Staying in Touch: Barbara Hirsh can be reached at info@LiveKinder.com  I love hearing your kindness stories.  Please sign-up for almost weekly kindness message at www.LiveKinder.com or follow LiveKinder on Facebook! 

It All Began With A Turkey Sub

This week’s post was written by Gail Denham. I asked her why she wrote, “It All Began with a Turkey Sub.”  She stated, “The homeless situation is endless and unanswerable. It occurs to me that many just need a permanent address, encouragement and some hope. A few have beat the odds.”

It All Began with A Turkey Sub

Frank stared at the vision who layered turkey and cucumbers on a six i-ch whole wheat loaf. Light from the fly-specked windows revealed auburn streaks through her dark-brown hair. Frank noticed a few gray hairs.

Yet the woman’s face was smooth. Maybe she’s prematurely gray. “Remember, lots of cucumbers,” Frank reminded, wanting to say something, even if it were veggie talk. “Oh, and mayo, that grainy mustard, tomato, and cheese.”

She handed Frank the sandwich. He nearly dropped it. His arthritis fingers felt the cold weather. His small gas heater didn’t keep his tent warm. But he was thankful to have a tent in a safe place.

All through lunch, Frank sneaked peeks at the gal making subs. She smiled a lot. If only. Naw! He had lots of nothing to offer. Lunch today was an unusual treat. He’d found a black bag full of refundable bottles near a trash can. He could afford lunch. No soda, only water, and a warm place to sit. He dug in pockets, tried to find a tip.

Then she was there, beside his booth. “Thought you could use this extra sandwich. New guy made it wrong. We’d toss it out.”

How did she know? This vision of lovely guessed he was broke. Sure he’d tried hard to find work. Years back he’d nearly finished college when the downturn hit. Only choice was the service. Six long years and all he had to show for it was nothing but fragments in his leg. Now he attended night classes. With luck, he’d finish in a couple years. He walked to classes, couldn’t afford the bus. He studied by lantern light.

The woman held out the foot long. His face and ears burned. Charity. “Don’t mean to offend,”she said softly. As if meals at the mission didn’t humiliate enough.

“No worries,” he murmured. “Thanks.”

Still she lingered. “I’m Emmy, short for Emily. No offense meant. Honest, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there.”

Frank tried to smile. She was so darn cute. When she grinned, he could see wrinkles at her eyes. But that smile. Wow.

“Thanks Emmy. I’m Frank. Yes, I can use this extra. How long have you worked here?”

“About eight months,” Emmy said. “Finally got a room with an older lady. I help her clean. She provides room and breakfast. Can’t complain.”

Easier for women,” Frank thought. Can’t see anyone giving me a room.

Heck, why be negative. When someone is nice and so cute.

“Listen Frank. Come by tomorrow for lunch. I’ll save any extras.” Emmy blurted out. “Owner doesn’t care. He’s a good guy, started from the bottom too. Actually he sometimes acts as if he likes me a bit too much, if you get my meaning.” Emmy giggled. “I’m going out on a limb here,” Emily went on. “Maybe we could visit the art museum when I get off around two. I’m studying art.”

She was bold too. Frank liked that. And why not? It was warm in the art museum. “I’m taking classes,” Frank offered. “It’s hard, since I live pretty simple. Well, I live in a tent is the truth.”

“I’d like to hear about your studies,” Emmy said, shyly. “I have trouble staying focused. I need a friend to talk to.”

Friend! Frank had none. Hard to invite anyone to visit when you live in a tent. “Sure. I’d like that. Tomorrow then.” Frank could hardly swallow. She wanted to be his friend.

He’d get a good shower tonight at the mission. Most of the time he avoided their showers in the evenings. So many guys with drug problems or worse. Listen to him. Trying to pass himself off as better than other homeless.

“See you tomorrow,” he told Emmy. “Thanks for the extra. But it’s your cheerful smile that made my day.” If he found enough bottles, he could spring for espressos at the café over on Hyde, after the art museum. Frank walked slow toward the door. When he looked back, Emmy was watching. His heart skipped a beat.

I’ll borrow a sharper razor and shampoo. Sun warmed his head. This was one special day. Wonder if St. Vincent would have nice jeans and socks. And a shirt – even pink. Don’t think Emmy will mind. With fresh clothes, he’d put in another job application in the morning. He’d keep trying. Especially now he felt hope again.

Staying in Touch: Barbara Hirsh can be reached at info@LiveKinder.com  I love hearing your kindness stories.  Please sign-up for almost weekly kindness message at www.LiveKinder.com or follow LiveKinder on Facebook! 

We See What We Want to See

“What you see reflects your thinking, and your thinking but reflects the choice of what you want to see.” – ACIM

Our legal system is based on the premise that you are innocent until proven guilty.  The presumption of innocence is that the accuser holds the burden of proof that the accused did the crime. Assumptions made can be wrong when facts are brought to light.

It seems we are all too ready to judge these days, as illustrated by this simplex example. One of my friends was troubled because my husband took down his Facebook post.  She was sure it was because he misunderstood her comment.  I was very perplexed because my husband doesn’t post.  He only has a Facebook page because my daughter set it up for him.

When I returned home, I asked him. He said he was messaging with our granddaughter, who just acquired a tablet.  I have no idea how he did it, but he accidentally posted a snap chat picture and then removed it as soon as he realized it.  My friend, not knowing my husband very well, made a wrong assumption of his intention.

Our perceptions are based on our past experiences and what we assume.  We never know what is in another’s heart, but we assume we do. We assume we know someone’s intention; our ego too often convinces us to think the worse. Our thinking does influence what we see.  Perhaps, we should try harder to see the innocence.

In a world where the court of public opinion are fast to find you guilty if you are from the opposite political party;  in a world where you are judged by your latest Instagram picture; in a world where you judge every post instantly on Facebook whether it is “like” worthy;  maybe, just maybe we should try to see the other side of the coin, maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to judge.  Maybe we should not be so fast to assume the worse. Maybe we should be slower to judge and faster to love.

We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.  Anasis Nin

Staying in Touch: Barbara Hirsh can be reached at info@LiveKinder.com  I love hearing your kindness stories.  Please sign-up for almost weekly kindness message at www.LiveKinder.com or follow LiveKinder on Facebook!